Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that’s over-reacting.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game’s afoot!". Eventually, you’ll be able to reconstruct an entire evening’s events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22)
You will figure out how to avoid your enemies, much to their bafflement. Basically, if you’re walking along and the background music changes to a kind of eerie theme, and the volume begins to increase...turn around and go the other way. Simple, huh?

Libra (Sept. 22 - October 22)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

Scorpio (October 23 - Nov. 21)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there’s no reason for you to worry.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble "What?" while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you’ll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 18)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Let’s just hope you can somehow keep it that way!

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow "orker".