Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good time to compliment your friends. If you can’t think of anything
else to say, tell them they’re looking "very buff". That will leave them
pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they’ll spend a lot of time looking in
the mirror.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren’t you? It’s even harder when
you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to
dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonnaise becomes
shaving cream, a burger becomes compressed compost, and everything else
is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close
to the truth.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance,
similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary
weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.
Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22)
A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge
and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the
right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan’s Island
episode.
Libra (Sept. 22 - October 22)
It’s time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as
a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.
Scorpio (October 23 - Nov. 21)
You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit
fluffier.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You know that how you dress will inevitably send a message to those
around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!"
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the
time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 18)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone’s bed.
That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when
they put a real monster under yours.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows
generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a
pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
