Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery...

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be "The Screaming Weasels".

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You need to get more exercise, but can’t tear yourself away from the computer. Do what I do: glue your keyboard to the ceiling, and get yourself a mini-trampoline!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone "What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?" and they say "Crunchy things?" Soon, you will.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too.

Libra (Sept. 22 - October 22)
You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -they can sense fear.

Scorpio (October 23 - Nov. 21)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified... will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say "What am I, psychic?" It’s not, though.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 18)
It’s time to take up indoor gardening. It’s quite fun, and you can grow a lot of stuff in a little space. Be considerate though - I can tell you from personal experience that it’s best to run the tractor when your spouse isn’t around.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Work has been stressful for you lately, and you’re not likely to see much change for the better unless you take matters into your own hands. This is a situation that calls for subtle guerilla tactics. Your best bet is to get up really early, and bake fresh cinnamon rolls to bring to work. Studies show that it’s really, really hard to dislike someone who gives you a fresh homemade cinnamon roll. Career advancement never tasted so good!