Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
While looking through comparative salary figures, you will discover that the job of "Village Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though - it's a lot harder that it sounds.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will become fascinated by the unlikely use of the same word to mean very different things. For example, what is the link between "seasons" as changes in the weather and "seasons" as in what you do to food? Or for that matter, why are Fall and Spring named for action verbs, and not Summer and Winter? Shouldn't those be called something like Wiggle and Shiver?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.

Libra (Sept. 22 - October 22)
You'll need to sign some important papers soon. Remember the words of Tom Waitts in this case "The big print giveth and the small print taketh away."

Scorpio (October 23 - Nov. 21)
Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Life is beginning to be a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever". Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 18)
This month you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
A tricky situation will arise this month, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.