RSL
Shhh…Don't let anyone know, but I'm a Yankee. Yes, it's true and I admit it. I'm a transplant via Boston and have weaseled my way into Low Country living over the past two years. That being said, I'll give you a few moments to get the jokes out of your collective systems. All done? Good.

So, I recently had some Yankee-kin visiting from the land up yonder. While exposing my guests to some of the local breakfast fare, one asked how long it took me to acclimate to the change in lifestyle. I took a moment or two to collect my thoughts and compose a diplomatic response when I gazed out the window and witnessed one of our lovely 'Parking Nazis' double-park to give an unsuspecting out-of-towner a welcome note on their windshield. Being thusly prompted, I decided to give one of my favorite 'getting to know the south' stories.

Let me tell you, I began, that I had little exposure to the South's true inhabitants for the first few months after my arrival. I kept a low profile, relaxing, not working and just simply enjoying myself. I had met a few new people - mostly friends of friend's, well educated and wealthy. I had only been to Tybee once or twice by this time and didn't know anything about the island. Let alone any of the residents or local places of interest. One evening a friend interrupted my thoughts (which were now obsessing about employment due to the slim bank account I had achieved by living the bohemian life for months) and asked if I'd like to join him for a drink at a bar on Tybee. OK, sure…why not. Off we went. We settled in at the bar chatting it up and after an unspeakable number of cocktails, and I decided that the friendly staff and relaxed atmosphere might be a good place for me. I queried the bartender about job openings and found that the establishment was indeed hiring for servers. After a brief meeting with the manager, I was hired. To say the least, my most interesting decisions are the result of mixing alcohol with spontaneity. I was to begin the next day and begin training.

The next day, I showed at the predetermined time. I met with my designated trainer and was put to learning the computer system. I had previous experience with this particular system and quickly caught on. After a short time on the system I was set out to actually waiting on a few trial tables. The first went off without a hitch. With confidence gained, I marched to the next table to take a drink order. "May I get you something from the bar ", I asked. The man of the duo barked out something of which was lost in the ever loudening dining room. "Excuse me?" I asked. He again responded only this time I caught his words. He muttered what sounded like: "Buh-lih". "Sorry?" I asked again drawing closer to the table. He responded with the same. Embarrassed, I assumed that the man had a speech problem. And knowing full well that I had not understood a darned thing that he said, he pointed to my trainer and said gruffly, "She know".
I raced over to my new cohort and explained the
situation. Impatiently, she glanced over at the table and flatly instructed me to get the man a Bud Light. OK, I thought, must have been me. I got the man his choice of brew and then asked his companion what she would like. "Dol-dra" was her reply.
What on earth is wrong with me? I don't understand a thing these folks are saying, I thought. Again, I ran to the unfortunate senior staff member in charge of my training. She rolled her eyes and said, "The lady would like a dollar draft". Oh, I knew that. Still assuming that these folks were disabled in some way,
I regained my patience with myself and took the rest of the order in stride, often asking for translation from the trainer presuming that these people were regulars and she knew them. The table finally left, dropped their seemingly generous ten percent tip and was quickly replaced by another table. Good, I can start over and this will be easier, I prayed. I was met head on with a table of four with the same tragic follies. What is going on??? Did the short bus break down outside? Was the local special-needs chapter on a field trip??? What is it with these people and why can't I understand a thing they were saying? They spoke as if their tongues were stapled to the bottom of their mouths. I was losing my patience fast.
I recounted my tale of woe to my two co-workers and they burst out laughing. That is the way they speak. "You'll get the hang of it". And so the rest of the evening went.
It didn't take me but a few weeks to learn that the folks from inland have a more relaxed way of speaking where 'e-nun-ci-a-tion' is not important. By the end of my first month, I had grown to know that 'int' means 'isn't', 'buwi-er' means 'Budweiser', 'haw-daw' means 'hot dog', and so fourth.
Thusly I explained to my fellow Yankees, the most
difficult part of learning to acclimate in the South was not the slower pace of life nor the unending chidings I received for not grasping 'The way it is', it is understanding how the locals speak.
So, for you Damn Yankees new to the area, write to me and ask for the schedule of "RSL" classes I now teach (similar to ESL: 'English as a second
language'). And look for my book, Redneck as a Second Language, due out in stores soon. --Matt K.

" I'm not sick - - I've just got CANCER!"
I cannot believe ... I made that statement on a Friday night last October!
I cannot believe ... that I flunked a Mammogram!
I cannot believe ... I've had Chemotherapy!
I cannot believe ... I Have had Radiation Therapy!

I cannot believe ... that 7 years ago I had the opportunity to be with the original Chatham County RELAY FOR LIFE TEAM. This was a project proposed by Anne Paul Walters, the Executive Director of the Savannah Board of Realtors, as a Community Services Project - you probably have no idea where I am going with that statement, but this is the short version. Our Board of Realtors adopted this brand new project in Chatham County as our "contribution" to the community. We knew that we had members that had been through Cancer, but "it" wasn't talked about much at that time. The American Cancer Society, The Savannah Board of Realtors, and many other new "teams" did the first Relay For Life at Benedictine Academy. What Fun - Camp Sites - Music - Food all Night - we walked and we talked! We had a community with a common goal - we may not have really known how strong the bond would become when we arrived, but when we left 24 hours later - WE Knew - we would always be together as a Team - Walking for each other, our friends, and our families.

That first Relay, and the next five Relays, I walked my Buns off for those "other" people who were the survivors, the caretakers, and the Fund raisers! Never, ever, did I think that I would be taking that walk in this year's shoes!

I cannot believe ... the intense emotional feelings that I had when I watched the first "Survivor Walk" and the first Luminary ceremony! I cannot believe ... that six years later I will take that walk and see those lights as I do the "Survivor Walk" ... and Amy, Carrie, Michael, Darryl, Scott and my Bob will do the Caretaker Walk ... right behind me. No one believes it until you live it - thank you, my family, for pushing me through it!
National statistics prove that one of three Americans will be touched by Cancer. THIS IS WHY WE RELAY FOR LIFE - this is a major awareness campaign for our community, a major fund raiser for Cancer Research, a major gathering for celebrating the progress that has been made and the friends that we still have because of the advances of the past years.

If you don't know about the Relay for Life, this is the opportunity for you to witness a community that truly comes together for a common goal. Hopefully we will have a total of 100 teams at the Benedictine track on May 17 - I know there will be at least 7 Realtor Teams - We take this commitment seriously and we have a great time - all for the right reason. Come share it with us - we need a cheering squad! 6:00 P.M. Friday, May 17, 2002, at Benedictine Military Academy. Parking and shuttles are available.

I firmly believe that the money we've collected for seven years helped make my journey through treatments a "breeze" - compared to those folks that went through cancer treatments even 3 years ago - consider the advances from 20 years ago! I'm convinced that the monies we raise this year will make the journey through Cancer an even easier path. Trust me, it's no stroll-in-the-park when you are toting the "C" word on your back - but we will win - one person at a time, made possible by one "dollar" at a time.

I cannot believe ..... is now a Fact of Life: Every one of us will be touched, in some way, by Cancer ... a friend, a family member, an associate, the lady at the check-out! If you want to contribute in Memory of a friend or loved one, or in Honor of a surviving friend or loved one - cut out the following Relay for Life emblem, put the name of the one to be remembered and your contribution - made out to the American Cancer Society - and mail to Bonnie Gaster, P.O. Box 666, Tybee Island, GA 31328 ... or call me at 786-5759. I will pick it up.

Thank you, my friends ... All my love, ... Bonz

Getting Soaked Around The World
In our Tybee world, the Beach Bum parade means getting wet. In other countries there are similar festivities that require people getting soaked. Read on:

Throughout the whole country of Thailand, there is an annual water festival called "Songkran". It is held in celebration of Thai's traditional New Year (they party down for our New Year too!). Songkran is a three-day holiday in the middle of April. The beginning of the festival is the last day of the old year. Spring-cleaning is done, clothes get washed, the Buddha statues are cleansed and amulets are blessed with lustral water. This is the day of cleansing from the last year's bad deeds.

On second day, it is time for the games to begin. The water comes from every direction. Herds of people are in the back of trucks with squirt guns and buckets of water. There are loads of people on the streets with their weapons of choice. The targets include police officers, city officials and tourists (the only ones that are not aimed at are the monks). Not one person is to be left out. Sound familiar? The one thing that is different from ours is, sometimes they will mix talcum powder with the water before aiming fire. At the end of the day, darkness has kicked in and the recreation continues with a Beauty Contest and The Puniest Body Contest.

The third day is New Year's Day, which is the day making merit, whether it be in the temple or face to face with the person of whom they have done wrong, especially to parents.

In Nepal, they have a "Celebration of Holi", which celebrates the coming of spring. Holi begins around the time of the full moon in late February to early March. During the celebration, revelers roam the streets with packets of dye and colored water bombs. The colored water wars run all day and ends promptly at midday when folks go home to cleanse themselves of the rainbow colored dye.

Children from Ashora Morocco have a "trick or treat" type of water fight. The kids will go from house to house asking for 10 centimes pieces (like a penny) instead of Halloween candy. If the money is not forfeited, the children are allowed to throw water on their victims. Usually a mass water fight will break out on the streets and no one is left high and dry.

"Carnival" is the biggest festival in Ecuador. It takes place during the week before Lent. Frenzied water fights breakout everywhere and no one is spared. The only way to stay dry is to remain indoors or go to a central highland where the festivities have been banned because the festival became too rough.

"Vartevor" is another water celebration in Armenia. Vartevor translates into "Rose Day". It stems from a pagan celebration, like Halloween is here. It is a holiday enjoyed most by children and grown up children. The holiday involves the art of water throwing and having a good time.

In Gran Canaria, Spain, "La Traida de Agua" began in the mid-1970's and is held on the second Sunday of August. It is an aquatic battle like the many described above. A firework is launched at midday to mark the start of the festival. Thousands of people flood the streets along with the town band and the battle is commenced. Water cannons, buckets, cups or anything that can hold water is used and everyone is a target.

It seems that we are not the only ones that enjoy the fun filled and action packed water fight. With that, HAVE FUN AT THE BEACH BUM PARADE!

- Bry

A Turtle Tale…
Since sea turtle nesting season is quickly approaching, I thought it would be a good idea to relate an interesting little story that happened right here on Tybee. I was working at Tybee Island Marine Science Center on a Saturday early in January, when a near frantic woman comes in the door. She had something waddled up in a jacket she had with her. It turned out to be a juvenile (young) green turtle, and the woman was Elizabeth Plageman. She had found the small green turtle on the beach on the north end of the island.
Now I do not recommend picking up wildlife off the beach. It is either doing something natural, and should not be disturbed, or it is sick, injured, or stressed and should not be touched. And in fact this sea turtle was sick and injured. It had a cut on its neck and due to it being a cold January day, it was cold stunned. Now turtles are cold blooded and rely on the temperature of their surroundings. If their body gets too cold for too long then they get cold stunned.
Apparently it is common to have sea turtles of this size in the area during the winter. This turtle was the second small green turtle that was brought in to Tybee Island Marine Science Center this winter. A man caught one in a cast net during December and brought it in to Tybee Island Marine Science Center - it was not injured and promptly released.
Back to the injured young green turtle - the Georgia Department of Natural Resources sent someone up from Brunswick to retrieve the turtle. It was examined by a veterinarian and then sent to The Living Seas at Disney's Epcot Center in Orlando, Florida for rehabilitation. The young turtle - which was named "Haywire" by Elizabeth Plageman - is recovering well and the staff at The Living Sea has talked about putting a satellite transmitter on the turtle to track its movements after it is released. Good work Elizabeth and we will keep you posted.

Allen Jacks

Stranded
On a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Twp Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together in a ménage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to the English island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after several liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin and hair, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her better than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the cause of her problems and why didn't they bring a cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued so she can get her nails done and go shopping.