Aries
(March 21 - April 19)
In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter. You'll forget all about this when you take your reading glasses off, however.
Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)
In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “catches horrible disfiguring disease” and “loses everything in major
earthquake”. I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.
Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically “jiggle a little thingie”. While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance...
Virgo
(August 23 - Sept. 22)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Libra
(Sept. 22 - October 22)
As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you.
Scorpio
(October 23 - Nov. 21)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end”.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab ‘em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too — that’s always fairly effective.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
It's time to take up indoor gardening. It's quite fun, and you can grow a lot of stuff in a little space. Be considerate though - I can tell you from personal experience that it's best to run the tractor when your spouse isn't around.
Aquarius
(Jan. 21 - Feb. 18)
What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip". Sounds like party attire to me!
Pisces
(Feb. 19 - March 20)
You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.