Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will spend this month trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent time to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to "The Mongol Horde", you might take notice.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22)
It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.

Libra (Sept. 22 - October 22)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.

Scorpio (October 23 - Nov. 21)
You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics".

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where "there" is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 18)
You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!". That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
What is freedom? Is there a difference between an infinitely long leash, and no leash at all? You'll discover the answer to that at work this week, when you get "the yank".