Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...)

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You’ll need to use Tip #39 of the book "101 Ways To Break The Ice": Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as "YOU’RE Bill Smith???" "Uh, yes" "Well, you sure can’t believe everything you hear, can you?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it’s just that you don’t look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You haven’t been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to — either at night, or during boring meetings.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
If you keep going the way you are, you’ll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this ‘Al Ninyo’ guy," you’ll say, "and why don’t they just lock him up?"

Libra (Sept. 22 - October 22)
Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a "mountain-person"? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither.

Scorpio (October 23 - Nov. 21)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Beware of turnips.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
It’s about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You’ll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I’m afraid. The good news is, you’ll find several nice zucchini recipes in the new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 18)
Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don’t let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.