Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Try being entirely honest for a week. That’s a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though — a poor memory.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you’ll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details".

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you’ll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics".

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named "Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective...

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22)
You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.

Libra (Sept. 22 - October 22)
You will accidentally step on someone’s foot, and they will say "Ow!". That’s when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don’t like me. I’ve never figured out why.

Scorpio (October 23 - Nov. 21)
This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn’t it?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 18)
Your concern about the International Space Station may not be one that NASA has considered, despite how obvious it seems to you. I’d go ahead and send them a note: "Never serve beans in space."

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say "Hay!"