Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You should learn something from your cat -- no matter what you've done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You'll be asked to knock it off.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be "strictly bass". One must have standards, after all.

Libra (Sept. 22 - October 22)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchouli. Only an idiot wears patchouli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice.

Scorpio (October 23 - Nov. 21)
If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, "Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?"

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Good time to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge". This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
This is a good time to start becoming a connoisseur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connoisseur overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 18)
Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.