Aries
Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.
Taurus
You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.
Gemini
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a “loan piranha”, at first.
Cancer
Good time to start work on that screenplay. It won’t sell, of course, but there’s nothing like trying something new to find out how much harder it is than it looks. Of course, any parent can tell you that.
Leo
You should look into some of that new “dream interpretation” software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.
Virgo
Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you’ll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!
Libra
You‘ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is a good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places...
Scorpio
You will come up with an idea for cutting down on the customer service calls that your company gets. Unfortunately, there just aren’t enough people with Tourette Syndrome available for hire.
Sagittarius
That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You’ll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.
Capricorn
Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I’m working on the “wacky inventor” hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It’s not a look for everyone, however.
Aquarius
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Pisces
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a bestselling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the late 90’s.